The Real me

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is
to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance
and pretend not to care about each other, it’s usually a load of bull.
So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve
chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we
hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day,
those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too
close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be
exactly what you need."

I can’t explain why i’m feeling like this…As if my life will be ended soon…as I saw her status "Married" i feel numb…and i feel the coldness of my soul….

I have nothing to say here…I’m so hopeless…I’m in pain…and i wish to vanish from this moment…. I felt HAPPINESS and PAIN…. I thought that my happiness with him will continue to grow….i dreamed of US….I make myself believed….

If only I’m not that stupid…If only my heart believes what my minds is saying….i will not be this miserable….

Let those pain vanish….

stay away from me…..I don’t want this pain now….let go of me…..please..

Have you woke up one morning asking yourself why? asking yourself how do i looked like today? Am i still the same person from the moment i slept or is this a new me? People love CHANGES but the question is thus the CHANGES love us? or does the changes in your life supports you at your weakest area? They say that the only constant thing in this world is CHANGE…that change is inevitable, yes that’s true…But changes affects so many things…not only the way you see things but the way you react to some changes in your life…

There are many changes affecting one individual, it might be environmental change wherein the changes in her surroundings might vary base from her perception…another change is Aging, where people grow old the way they think is different compare to their younger years…Hair cells stop to multiply same with their skins, wrinkles started to visualize and they walk slower…. they noticed the changes of their surroundings base from the moment they knew and recognized things…that’s why they can define what are the changes that have been through…

But what about those people who doesn’t care at all…who’s not affected at all…who’s so numb to the changes they have been through…or lets say they are the one who’s not open to CHANGE…but I believed…People change…whether we like it or not..we adopt changes…because it makes us feel better…it makes us powerful…it makes us rich and famous….

For women who’s age is in between 18-20 they are the one who adopts changes more quickly…these stage is very critical… they like to change for the better….physically yes almost 100% of women during these stage focus on the way they see themselves in the mirror and respond accordingly if they see something that needs attention…this is the stage where female gather their inner/outside beauty to boost their confidence….merely to attract another opposite sex….yes its true…we don’t deny it…after this stage we focus on our own career where our ego boost itself and this is the period of showing off our guts…what we have…it’s like empowering oneself…taking over the wheel of your life to prove that THIS IS THE REAL ME…so please back off…

People always wants attention…we really do… but the question is…are we getting the right attention that we want?? if your answer is yes..good for you…if not..then don’t bother at all cause your not the only person who’s experiencing the same thing…People Learned and adopt to changes more quickly…

We must evaluate the changes first before we comply to it..otherwise there will be some instance in our life…wherein we thought that the only thing we can hold onto is to adopt to the CHANGES in our life and let it lead us…but the thing is…were just fooling ourselves that CHANGES is needed but when we analyze the whole situation there will come a point in our life where CHANGES is not necessary at all….it’s just a matter of choosing the right decision without CHANGING anything in our life to become the person…. WE REALLY WANTED TO BE….

In the end its still…

-God is the only one who can do everything, we humans do what were capable of-

It’s been two days…that i’m sick…It’s really hard for me…i’m just pretending that im ok even though im not… I almost fainted in the MRT…my eyes become blurred, I can’t breath, all i can see is a white surroundings…my hands begin to crumpled…can’t hardly move…I thought that I might die during that moment…but of course I pretended that I’m ok…after a few minutes of recovery…I told to myself…i don’t want to die in this place…never…I don’t want to go to home sealed in a wooden box…without a life…from that moment… I regained my consciousness and then I thought of all the things in my life…suddenly…I recover quickly…

For the past 3 weeks since I went home, my work are so stressful…There are things that I can’t explain lately, my work is so terrible..although i can deal with it but look at me right now…Lying in my bed for almost 24 hrs and yet still no energy to sustain my life outside…It’s really a stressful job…but what can i do.., This is my purpose…this is my life here,so i have to be strong and healthy at all times….Yes work is necessary and can give you a lot of stress but how about emotional stress? I think it also affects my whole body right now…

I’m crying right now…it’s really hard to live far away from home…I miss my mom…I miss her warm embrace whenever i’m not feeling well…I miss the way she comforts me to every little things of my life… I miss her smile and the way she tapped me at my shoulder that everything will be alright…I miss the way she cares and showed her love to me…I miss the way she cooks whenever i have high fever….I miss the way she opened my room to check if my temperature are high or low…I really miss the moments when I’m at home…

I really miss my own home…where i can be me..where i can show my weaknesses…Where I can relax and feel the peacefulness of my soul….

I really miss my home…please send me home…

They say its true that smart people, or let’s say successful one in terms of career are always the looser in terms of relationship and happiness. Well oh well, we can’t blame them the fact that a person have a high IQ those are the persons who’s EQ is the other way around. Uhm well that’s very opinionated but, I don’t believe in such things. For me it’s a life stages. Everyone go through with different kinds of problems in terms of opposite sex relationship; but that doesn’t make you stupid. People learned, for every life stages we learned, whether we like it or not whether we accept the fact or not…People LEARNED, and no one is stupid or foolish in terms of making themselves happy as long as they can bind them self to each other it doesn’t matter.

I speak for those person who’s feeling the agony of life’s inequality…we think that our HAPPINESS are too far to reach…and it’s quite impossible at the moment…but sooner or later…We’ll pass through this passage…

Rest Assured that this stage will pass through although it’s still hitting us to our most weakest area but still were still kicking..

Life is a matter of dealing with every stages…every stages we have to pass through..

It’s been two weeks now…what’s wrong with me?? i can’t sleep well…I’m exhausted…I’m so tired…tired of everything in my life…For all those years that I pretended that I’m OK…that I’m doing great…that i’m happy…Well I made them believed and I fool myself either…

Today is the worst day of my life…worst than ever…there’s no exact words that can define how painful it is…how lonely…how difficult…how troublesome…how scary to be like me…I am the person who used to be cheerful…who’s satisfied in her life…and who live simple as much as possible…Well i have everything I hope and dream for…except for that…i am nothing…

I have only one wish now…and that will be… to become "NUMB"…to become insensitive to the feelings of others…to become selfish once in a while…I’m tired of loving…I’m tired of pleasing everyone…I’m tired…I’m really really tired…I just want to be me…for once…in my life…I wanted to be me…the real me…I wanted to laugh again without thinking of you…I wanted to enjoy the company of my friends…even without you… I wanted to feel that I’m alive even without you… I wanted to make myself believe that I’ll be OK even without you…BUT THIS IS JUST A WISH and a dream that will never come true at this moment….

For this moment…is the moment that you OCCUPY every details of my mind…every details of my body…and every details of my Soul…You’re the reason why I’m like this…They say that It’s my choice…that everything happens for a reason…and it’s my choice if i’ll allow it to happen in my life…Well this is my CHOICE…indeed…a very good choice…where my agony and pain will continue to grow…as long as I have you in my life…and how am i supposed to live…if living without you makes me weak…

I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I
hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call. But
mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even close, not even a
little bit, not even at all.

When everything seems so predictable, when our life seems to be boring…we find a way to escape…to search for something better…something exciting…and when we found that out…we go back to the life we used to have…

I hope that i still have a choice to make myself believe…to make myself believe…that in the end…i’ll tell myself that it’s worth it…