The Real me

Out of Breath

I still feel the same
Though everything has changed
The pain it cost now
I feel lost inside of my own name

But I keep running
I am running
I keep living for the day that Im with you
That Im with you

The past has left its stain
Now I feel the shame
Ill seize the day
If you take away
The chains of yesterday

But I keep running
I am running
I keep living for the day that Im with you
And I am waiting
I am waiting
I keep waiting for the day that Im with you

A new day
The sun is shining
Seems Im closer to finding
That life is more than where we are
No way that I am turning
As long as the sun is burning
Now it seems that all I want is you

I still feel the same
Though everything has changed
The pain it cost now
I feel lost inside of my own name

But I keep running
I am running
I keep living for the day that Im with you
An I am waiting
I am waiting
I keep waiting for the day that Im with you
That Im with you

"What if the person you love has no idea…how much you wanted to see him… to be with him every single day …is it ok to forget him?? or is it ok to tolerate the pain? whatever it is… darn i hate it…."  I’m not expert in terms of expressing thoughts and emotions… but this time… i don’t know why im writing this…. You know who you are… i miss you maybe in the right time…. or maybe never…..see you in my dreams… I don’t want to hope forever…. I don’t believe in destiny…. it’s us who creates our destiny and our choice… so it is our choice to whom we want to open our heart and to whom we fall in love with… It’s not magic nor soul mate nor destiny….. It’s our choice.. we chose the one we want to love and spend the rest of our life with according to the book that ive had read…. Thinking it over and over again… that principle is true… it is still our choice…. to be happy… to be sad… to fall inlove… to fall out of love….. whatever happens in our life.. it has something to do with the way we see things… with the way we chose to live…. and with the way we act to the things that we had chosen…. whether to stay from it… or stay away with that….

In the end… it’s ourself…who can be accountable with our lives…. because its your "CHOICE" not everybody elses choice…..

Birthday
–is the date on which a person is born,
marking the day a life outside the womb begins.

It’s been
22 years since my mom gave birth to her first child and that’s me…. As I grow
older my excitement to my birthdays begins to lessen every year… maybe their
right… when you grow older, birthday parties ,gift giving, Cakes, Balloons are
over…. You don’t feel that your birthday is already coming… and you don’t even
notice that your special day has already been through… As I turn 22 my
realizations about life grew bigger and become more complicated as it is.

I now
begin to embrace the humanly nature of people…. My self centered attitude
begins to fall into pieces and breaks me to become open minded to different
life situations. Yes maybe others were right… that 22, is too young to get
involved with… but for me… it’s not young anymore… For me it is the start of a
new life… to act more matured, to become more sensible to others… to become more
responsible to your work… to have the guts to talk to different kinds of people
and most importantly to experience, a strong relationship between God and myself.

As I move
forward, looking back to my 22 years, I can say that whoever I am now, no
matter what kind of people I am, still it would be my choice… From the moment I
knew what’s wrong and what’s right is… I am the one responsible for my life…
Yes, I live my life to what I think is right… I finished my studies on time, I
graduated in college when I was 20… seems too young but well organize and
perfectionist in terms of reaching my goal and visions in life… When I was still
10-13  I remember how things went
through, I have my own checklist, like….age bracket and targets..

1.) 1997 – I must finish my elementary
degree w/ honors no matter what happens. (accomplished)

2.) 2001 – I must finish my secondary
education w/ honors no matter what happens.(accomplished)

3.) 2005 – I must finish college no
matter what happens.(accomplished)

4.) 2005 – I must have a job before I graduated. (accomplished)

5.) 2006 – I must have a good career
and probably be applying for job outside the country. (present)

6.) 2007 – Probably having a good
career outside the country.

7.) 2009 – Probably I owned a house and
lot for me.

8.) 2010 – Probably I have my special
someone and a fiancée. I’ll be able to finish my brother’s education and will
be helping him to pursue his college education.

9.) 2011 – Probably I have my own
business and have a car and soon will be married. Still helping my family.

10.) 2014 - I’ll be able to finish my brother’s degree.

These are
my checklist and yes. I’m proud of it because almost 50% of it was done
successfully… but some are not yet to come…. And it depends… it depends on God
if he will allow such things to happen in my life or not… All I’m holding on
right now, is to trust him and give my life to him according to my purpose here
on earth.

On my
birthday I had only one wish and that would be… My family’s safeties as always
and for me to have a strong conviction in my life in finding the true essence
of happiness that can’t be buy by anything else… Satisfaction and inspiration
for all the things that I’m doing for me to pursue my dreams and goal in my
life….

I wish I had
enough but thank God he always fulfill my emptiness and in times of darkness
his always there to lift me and bring to light….

Anong
meron??  sa araw araw na lang ba ay palagi akong makakatagpo ng mga pesteng lalaki
sa kalye.. Pasintabi sa mga kalalakihan pero ang araw arawin na mabiktima ng
mga manyakis sa kalye hindi ko na ata mapapalampas pa…. GGGrrrr… ok na ang mga
tingin na bastos pero ang gumawa pa ng action mula sa kabastusan eh isang
napakalaking kabalbalan na gagawin mo sa mga babaeng tulad ko… NI hindi mo na
ba naisip na maaring isa sa mga kapamilya mong babae eh biktima rin ng mga
kabastusang pinaggagawa mo sa araw araw.. ??? Kung tatay ka na mahiya ka naman
sa anak mo… kapal ng mukha mo…. Kung binata ka naman, at may girlfriend… mahiya
ka naman sa karelasyon mo.. baka isa narin siya sa mga biktima ng mga katulad
niyo…..pwede ba… wala ka na ngang buhay tapos ganito pa ung makakasabay mo sa
bus, sa jeep, sa mrt… sa lahat na lang ba ng lokasyon??? Ha?? May manyak… oh my
gosh.. umiinit talaga ulo ko…..

Late
ka na nga sa trabaho tapos may manyak pa everywhere… hay…. Well I don’t care sa
mga lalaki ngayon, na walang alam kung hindi pangsariling kaligayahan lang… .
Its been a month na rin grabe, dito walang social life, trabaho, bahay, gym,
ganon lang ang buhay ko.. Minsan naiisip ko para saan ba ang paghihirap… masaya
pa ba ko?? Sa tingin ko oo masaya pa rin pero parang may kulang.. palagi na
lang may kulang… walang fulfillment… walang satisfaction…. Walang makausap…. Walang mapagsabihan…. Walang madaingan….
Mahirap maging independent…. Ang akala ng ibang tao your strong… your good…. Your
responsible…. Kasi your handling your own life… but beyond those stupid
achievements…. Anong meron sa nagiisa??? Pareho kami ng best friend ko…. Nagiisa
independent…and we even share the same concept in life….. Na kahit anong yaman
mo at gaano kalaki achievement mo sa buhay mo… kung di ka naman masaya wala rin….
At ngayon… pareho kaming magisa I now realized how difficult it is… to go home
na walang makakausap…. Na wala man lang nagtatanong sa yo kung kamusta na ba
ang araw mo?? Kumain ka na ba??? Musta trabaho????
My God tao pa ba ko??? Kailangan ko ng makakasama…. Pero ang tanong handa ba ko
sa kung anong klaseng tao makakasama ko??? Isa akong metikulosa,
perpefectionist…. Antagonist…. Lunatic… weird….. sa tingin mo may magttyaga sa
kin??? Well tanong ko na yan eh….

Wala
akong pakialam sa ibang tao…. As long as wala akong nasasagasaan at wala akong
ginagawan ng masama…. Kaya kong mabuhay magisa… pero ang tanong hanggang
kelan??? Mas gugustuhin ko pang umalis ng bansa… at least dun mas reasonable na
magisa…. Kesa naman sa nandito ka nga sa bansa mo pero magisa ka pa rin di ba? Ano naman un?? Akala nila
masaya…. Pero nagkakamali kayo…. Lahat ng tao kailangan ng kapwa tao…. Kaya sa
mga nakakilala sa kin wag kayong magtaka kung bakit hyper ako…. Kung bakit
energetic ako… dahil sa mga panahong yon lamang ako nagiging ganap na masaya…. At
nagiging tunay na ako… I hate myself for being independent… for proving sa mga
taong nagpahirap sa kin na kaya kong sarili ko…. Bakit ba kailangan kong
mamuhay sa ganoong prinsipyo??? Yes it made me for who I am… I am strong period…..
na prove ko na nga di ba?? Eh ano ngayon?? May napala ba ung ibang tao sa kin??
Maliban na lamang kung pagagawan nila ko ng rebulto at sasabihin nilang yang si
Leysel ay isang huwarang tao… isang bayani sa buong Pilipinas… eh kaso hindi
naman di ba? So what’s the point??  My gosh tanong ko yan eh…. Kahit ako hindi ko
rin alam ang sagot… basta alam ko takot akong umasa sa ibang tao pagdating sa
buhay ko…. I have my own life to live with….. I have the right to chose kung
anong gusto kong gawin…. Pero bakit ganon I chose my life na independent…. Far
away from family, friends,…. Bakit??? Di ba? San ka naman nakakita 20 yrs old
pa lang wala ng kasama… nagiisa na, take note babae pa… di ba ang weirdo?? Well di ko rin alam eh, basta alam ko kaya
kong sarili ko pero hindi ko ata kakayanin ng matagalan na ganito… I need a
space to breath… and a new people to evolve with… im exhausted to the things
that im doing…. Di ko alam kung hanggang kelan ko kakayanin ganito….

Sa
twing aalis ako ng aking bahay, naaalala ko ang mga nagdaang araw…. Mga araw na
puno ng kasiyahan…. Nung bata ako…ang tanging alam ko lang gawin ay… mag-aral,
mag-laro, tumawa….. kumain maglibang…. Di tulad ngayon… kailangan kong harapin
ang bukas… kailangan kong magiging matatag sa aking buhay….. buhay ng
responsableng tao…. Buhay magisa…buhay may trabaho, buhay ng isang ganap na tao…
kung saan ang pagiging Malaya ay siya ring bilangguan ng isang katauhan na
nagpipilit maging normal sa isang mundong hindi normal….

Masarap
mabuhay, mahirap masaktan… masarap magmahal…. Mahirap umasa…. Masarap mangarap….
Mahirap abutin ang pangarap… Masarap tumawa… mahirap umiyak….. masarap
maglakbay….ngunit mahirap lumiban…. Sa lahat ng aspeto ng buhay iisa lang
palagi ang kailangan mong kalagyan… Kailangan marunong kang magbalanse…. Kailangan
marunong kang lumaban….

Balanseng
buhay…. Matuto kang umiyak, tumawa, humarap, tumalikod, umalis at bumalik…. Lahat
may dapat kalagyan…

Ang
tanong nasaang aspeto ako ngayon????

Naglalakbay
na kasagutan……..