The Real me

"I
have a chance to do this now, and I might not have the chance to do it
again.."
this quotation caught my attention while reading the book of Discovering God’s
Will For Your Life. The quotation is simple and yet somehow it has a deep
impact on how am i going to respond to my everyday living… as of the moment
I’ll take things easily and as much as possible i think first before i act.. As
I look myself way back when i was in college, I still remember how much
pressure i am exerting just to maintain my scholarship…which is not bad at
all… but the question is… did i really enjoyed my college life?? Definitely
yes.. because its my choice and im sure that it is a God’s will for my life
because he wanted me to become successful in the career that I have chosen.. as
I remember all of the decisions and all of my future plans I always trust and
give it to our Lord because he’s the one who knows the blueprint of my life.

Meanwhile
as I read my thoughts quietly I’ve realized that there’s something wrong with
the picture… As I internalized the things that are happening in my life
questions begins to pop up somewhere… as if God is reminding me of something..
“Ley are you happy now”?.. “Is there something you wanted to tell me”? ; “Are
you still seeking my will”? … Suddenly my soul cries out for justification and
procrastination of my own delusion. I wanted to explain everything as fast as I
could… but…. Nothing came out… until then… someone hold my hand and hastily
look at me… don’t you remember me daughter?? I’m the one you always count
on…I’m the one who’s always looking for you and care for you more than anything
else in the world… come let’s talk and I will keep you from the resentment of
thy past and thy future.

I
thought that it was just a dream… but then… I cannot forget how he showed me
the light again… from there on I remember my childhood days I always talk to
him, and ask him to blessed me everyday and guide me for all the things that he
knows the best for me… I told myself I
think it is much better when I’m still young, when I know that I can’t live
alone….. Unlike now things were much getting complicated and the major dilemma
of it is…. I’m neglecting the one I used to be my best friend, my father, my
savior and my every thing… I forgot to ask guidance… I forgot to follow his
will… but then he told me. Ley it’s not yet late… there are times that the Lord
wants us to follow his will step by step not in short cuts…

I’m
in the middle of searching what does God really wants for me…for my life…I know
that all of the people we met has something to do with our life.. I don’t
believe in coincidence… for me it’s not just in my vocabulary… If things were
meant to happen no matter how hard you escape from it…sooner or later… it will
still happen.. so why avoid doing things that you think might help you to
become the better you… I’m my own understanding; the people that you will meet
in different stages of your life have a lot of things to teach you…. Whether it
is good or bad…. It is important to acknowledge what implications they had to
edify you…honestly speaking I really appreciate all the people that I had a
chance to spend my life with even though its just for a couple of minutes or an
hour or even a day…because they made me for who I am… whether I consider them
as my friends, lover, brother, sister, neighbor, classmate, schoolmate, enemy,
etc.

I
would like to acknowledge the presence of my dear friend “Curly theng!” we had
a great time together and I wanted you to know that I really appreciate the
moments we had… I’m happy because I’ll be able to experience how beautiful life
it is specially when were together.. laughing trips… joking around… I know that
someday we may not be able to see each other and spend a couple of hours
together I just want you to know that I’m always here for you. I will treasure
you as my very very dear friend of mine whom I used to call “Curly theng” ever!
We had a lot of similarities and goal in life I’ll just wish that whatever we
had will never be forgotten… I’m happy for having you as my friend and if time
will take us to a point that we had our own family I’ll be proud to introduce
you to my future son and daughter… meet “Curly theng” my special friend way
back 2006 when your mom was still 21 young and friendly…

“Knowing God’s will is a
journey, not a destination, and along the way we will sometimes be quite
confused. And sometimes we will be flat wrong about what God really wants for
us. The bottom line is not being right or wrong about God’s will but truly
seeking what God’s will is in the first place.”

Still seeking for God’s
will–>

Grabe! hindi ko alam ang dahilan kung bakit hanggang ngayon wala pa rin akong nararamdamang pagod…hala lagot ako "tao" pa ba ko?? ang hindi ko maintindihan kahapon pa po ako gising, oo as in Paggaling ko sa trabaho dumating ako sa bahay kahapon ng mga 10:00 ng umaga tapos naglinis ako ng ref ko, tapos naglinis ako ng buong bahay as in buong bahay dahil pakiramdam ko ba’y napakatagal nang madumi ng bahay ko hahahha..sabi ko mamaya na lang ako matutulog, marami pa namang oras…. tapos pagtingin ko sa relo wow! ano ito… tama ba toh! 1:00 na ng hapon pero hindi pa rin ako inaantok at hindi pa rin ako tapos maglinis..nakaramdam naman ako ng gutom sige na nga ikakain ko muna toh baka sakaling antukin kahit papano.. nagluto ako ng "saluyot"… hahaha my favorite namiss ko tuloy sa min sa Nueva hay…tapos un habang nagluluto ako syempre naka sounds ako hahaha ang cute ng mga mp3 ko so inspired ako lalong maglinis ng buong bahay and everything,. after ko maluto ung food ko kumain na ko mga 1:30 na un. tapos naglinis ng plato tapos naglinis ng cr grabe ang init na tapos pamaya maya umulan naman.! hahaha tignan mo nga naman ang panahon oo ang bilis magbago naisip ko tuloy.. ganito ba talga sa mundo.. kailangan mabilis ang pagbabago at kailangan mabilis ka ring sumabay sa bawat pagbabago maging ito man ay sa panahon or sa kahit saang bagay… Bigla ko na lamang naramdaman ang pagkalungkot at pagkadismaya… bakit nga ba?? hindi ko rin alam hanggang sa matapos ko na lahat ng ginagawa ko, nagpunta ako sa cr wala nanaman sa sarili nababaliw nanaman ata… hahahha tapos pagsara ko ng pinto ng cr ko sakto nandon pa pala ung kamay ko…ayon naipit ako saka pa lang ako nagising sa realidad.. aray ko po… ang sakit pag nga naman sswertehin ka… buti na lang hindi nabali kuko ko.. well yon tapos.. 4 na ng hapon.. dilat pa rin ang mga mata ko.. naasar na tuloy ako. kasi naman may pasok pa kaya ako ng 12:00 ng madaling araw.. tapos hindi pa ko nakakapahinga eh pano na lang ako magttrabaho mamaya naisip ko.

Nagpunta ulet ako sa cr para maligo para naman makatulog na ko baka kasi naiinitan lang ako. matapos kong maligo. ayon sa wakas nakatulog din ako bandang 4:30 ng hapon. malakas na ang ulan kaya masarap matulog pero nakaka isang oras pa lang ako nagising na agad ako at hindi ko alam kung bakit.. wwaaahhh.. 6:00 ng gabi hindi na ko nakatulog hanggang ngayon June 26, 2006 4:30 ng umaga. Anong meron sa araw na toh. Ito pa isang nakaka alarma dun.. Bukod sa wala pa kong pahinga, ung utak ko ang bilis pa ring gumana, natapos ko na lahat ng tasks ko hahahha ano pa gagawin ko…??? kaasar naman kala ko pa naman hindi na siya gagana pero wala natapos ko lahat ng gagawin ko tapos ito pa rin ako hindi pa rin ako inaantok akalain mo un… Kung ano man ang meron sa araw na toh siguro may kinalaman sa buong linggo ko… Nung isang linggo kasi masaya mga nangyari sa buhay ko.. lalo na kung kasama ko si curly theng.. wahahhahaha pero ok lang ako masaya nga eh… balik abnormal… pero parang malakas ako ngayon… hehehhe sana lang antukin na ko mamaya pagdating ko sa bahay. para naman wala na kong maisip na ibang tao or iba pang gagawin dahil wala naman na kong gagawin sa bahay ko.. hahhaha nagawa ko na lahat kahapon. yon lang wala lang akong magawa ngayon eh kakatapos lang ng mga gawain ko. So un Ferfek! talaga tong araw na toh. sana hanggang mamayang umaga! ahihihihi =))

Grabe naman isang linggo lang ang dami ng nangyari waah! maraming nagtataka sobrang full blast daw pagbabago ko as in.. physical lang naman siguro oo.. pero para sa kin wala naman talaga eh.. sanay lang sila ng simple ako. well ganon talaga, people change and that’s the constant thing in the world.. haha kala ko nung una mahihirapan ako sa desisyon ko pero hindi naman pala ganon kagrabe ung pagbabago sa buhay ko.. Siguro tama nga sila.. nasa pagiisip lang yan. heheh and syempre libang libang ever..grabe saya saya 1 week na kong late umuuwi puro labas, barkada, gimik, nood sine.. hehehe saya. Tapos makatagpo ka pa ng curly theng! —> wahhahaha so saya as in Feerrfeeekkk! sarap maging single as in… although marami rin akong namimis nung hindi me single.. pero sa ngayon ok na muna ko ng ganito, enjoy life to the maximum level.. wahahahahha. tama ng drama ever. Hay pang gabi na ulet me, tigil me muna sa labas labas heheheh next week na lang ulet.. yuhooo… thanks mga fwendships! specially to curly theng ferfek ever! and to all chuva lech gangstah… mahal ko na kayong lahat.. waharharharhar..  goodluck sa ting lahat.

I’m
in the stage of perfection…..I want this…I want that…. I want everything to
become perfect in my life…. Future business….future family….. Financial aspect…..career…..untill—-> someone knock me off my feet… As
if I cannot make it…..as if I can’t even had a first step in what I so called “Lifeless Plan of being Perfect”….Why I’ll
keep thinking of the future… why do I have to worry on the things that are not
yet to come… the answer is simple… I must admit…Maybe I’m afraid to commit a
single mistake… I don’t want to commit any error or major bug in my life like
my parents did…I’m not blaming them but the thing is… I’m connected to them and
I don’t want to get hurt because of my wrong decisions….. I don’t know where to
start with…..

As
of the moment I’ll take a deep breath and gently…. Released myself to the world
of perfection…. Last night was the beginning of everything… I’ll enjoy the
company of my friends… We had a great night together…. Laughing…joking…. And I realized
that life is not always doing the right thing….or putting your “perfect plans”
at your own pedestal… From now on I will live my life to every stages of it… I’m
young and I’ll do the things that every young person is doing…including gimiks….shopping….
travels….friendships….. Free from self imprisonment of the future….As I walked
in the door of my house there was an endless smile in my face and I realized
that I must go with the flow…. What if I died tonight… then I smiled at least I’m
happy and I’m not worried at all… All I know is I did what I think that will
make my life easier to live….

Regarding
relationships–> I don’t know as of the moment my priority
is to enjoy my life being single. Although were not breaking up…. I hope he
understands me otherwise… I had no choice but to…..(hope won’t happen). Many
people think that being 21 is quite matured… but let me tell you this… as of
the moment I had no idea what “maturity” is, I thought I’m an adult now so act
like one…but as the years went passing on I’ve realized that I’m not yet matured
hahahha isn’t funny how the way I think is killing me…. I must admit that I
need to go further to reach the right destination of my life…but how am I going
to reach that if my life is so perfect…. Being matured is not always being
responsible in handling your life…. Sometimes it’s the other way around… you
must let yourself experience every life stages… Like when you’re 1 year old you’re
teaching yourself to walk and pronounce the word da-da, ma-ma etc.. in which I think
is more significant way to know and learn how to successfully live your life so
that when the right time comes where your “MATURED ENOUGH” you’ll know that…
Hey I’m a matured person now because I’ve been through with that stage…. And you’ll
be proud because you’ll be able to managed although there were little draw
backs…but at least you can say that I already passed that road and I’m glad that
I can see all the beauty of each places until I’ve reach my right destination….

I’m
still young and I will do whatever I want—– I’ll just want to become happy
and I don’t want to regret…. someday because I’ll limit myself to do the things
that I really wanted…. From now on goodbye Calendars…. Goodbye Planner….. and
most importantly good bye for being “PERFECTIONIST”….Welcome come what may…. Welcome
Life’s adventure…..what’s next….=)