The Real me

Duh! Blood sucker again.. in on a graveyard schedule again at last… herherherherher. well what can i say… after our happy trip in tagaytay last saturday …naisip ko buti na lang nakapag relax pa bago ko mag graveyard medyo mahirap ang shift na ito pero ok lang pag sanay ka na. Hahahaha grabe hindi na natuloy ang lakad naming mga pretty kong friends last saturday tuloy hindi ko na sila nakita pero at least kami naman ni Tita Ivs, Kuja Jeff and Jaypee ang natuloy sa tagaytay.. sarap dun… ang lamig…sooobbbbrraaa hay…. kakamiss… medyo antokish na ako… wala lang… wala namang nangyaring bago sa buhay ko…. un pa rin. 

On my wildest dream comes the other part of me… Gently pushing my self to become someone that I’m not used to be…

Last night was the creepiest part of my life ever…It started with a light drinks then brandy… then brandy again….then brandy again… suddenly Im talking to myself… I said for a while…. what are you doing??… is it worth it?? what makes you think you can??… but before i got the answer…. zoom…chug….knock out… I’m not with myself anymore… and i can’t remember how things went through… the only thing i can remember during that night… is my mother…. I wish she’s there to cheer me up… to punished me for being a "BAD GIRL". For not controlling myself in terms of alcohol… Is that what you called freedom??? is that makes your life complete?? do i need to experience that?? to be embarrased infront of your respective officemates?? i don’t think so… Last night is still my choice… there’s no other to blame… it’s me who supposed to knew my capacity… it’s me whose responsible enough to handle my life… but last nights incident seems to be foolish… because from that moment on… my reputation will be changed…. it is the consequences of my actions…. maybe it’s part of life…. im just an ordinary girl…. for me… it’s still a good part although some of them got disappointed on my actions… but still i consider it as a lesson learned… it is part of life… i need to experience it… for me to know my capacity in handling my life….

Sometimes… reaching your capacity makes you mad… but once you knew how to manuever your limits… then I think… you’ll be GREAT… because you have conquered your limitless capacity in this world…. same in many aspects of life…. You must know how to stand up and be proud of yourself once in a while…. I’m glad that i’d be able to experienced the unconsciousness that alcohol can offer to our body… and it is good to know  my limits….  it was fun…..

Another experience…. another lessons…. what comes next…..

I don’t know where I am… maybe I’m in the middle of now where…in the mid of my insanity…where chaos lies beneath the stream of  life… It’s been a while… since my last hospitalization….want to know about it…Maybe my body tends to give up…to give up from acquiring energy….to lose hope… to lose faith… to lose life…. why should i keep my life…where all i can gain is nothing…. nothing to keep me safe….nothing to makes me realized the importance of having it… I begun to seek what i really wanted… I begun to seek LOVE, HOPE, FAITH…believes in GOD’s own purpose… and GOD’s own plans for me…. I begin to search his mystery….

I’am the slave of wickedness and disobedient…but my father took my hand…and cleanse my soul with understanding and unfathomable love…from that moment…. i realized… the existence of inscrutability of well being… that life begins with the glory of our Lord…

I’m having a hard time to commit myself…..even for just a simple….prayer….in which my soul repent….. GOD forgive my wicked body…my dirty soul….for in your hands….oh Lord will be released thy imprison soul….. help me gain again the peacefullness oh Lord…..

Forgive… me….  (soul longing….. =,( )