Hindi ko alam hindi ako mapakali kanina pa…sinasabi ko na nga ba…pag ako kinutuban ng hindi maganda…kagabi sobrang saya ko…dahil sa birthday party ko, akala ko magiging ok ang lahat. Bigla na lamang akong nakareceive ng text message kanina..Leys nasa hospital si nanay lung center confine siya…ang bilis ng tibok ng aking puso…muli nanamang bumalik ang aking panaginip… Dios ko wag naman po sana…Lord please…ang tangi ko na lamang inuulit ulit na paki-usap…nung isang araw lamang ay kausap ko siya at masayang masaya…subalit ngayon ay heto siya nakaratay sa kama…nanay hindi ako sanay ng makita kang nakaganyan…lumaban ka at palakasin ang iyong sarili…Lord tulungan niyo po kami…palakasin niyo po ang lupang katawan ni nanay at ilayo sa malalang karamdaman…Naiiyak na ko…Ilang minuto na lang aalis na ko dito sa office…pupuntahan ko na siya sa lung center at bibili ako ng mga kailangang gamit…Lord tulungan niyo po kami…kayo na pong bahala sa kanya…nanalig po ako sa iyong kapangyarihan…

                Happy Birthday to me…Happy Birthday to me… Thank you guys for all the greetings!! I’m so happy… later we will have a party…bye bye! wink! umwah! Love you Leys! your the best!

                   1 day to go and another year will be added in my life…today is the last day that ill be 20…sigh*** I’m getting older and I’m not excited at all…Im not excited to celebrate my birthday unlike when i was a kid… but i still believe in wishes…hehehe… well i had only few wishes in my birthday…

1.) Hopefully this year will be a great year for me and my loved one…(Hope that the whole family will accept him and try to be happy for me…= ))
2.) To have a good career with plenty of vacations..hehhehe kidding…of course financial chuva…
3.) last but not the least I wish that i could be happy in every aspect of my life…(work, friends, family and all the people that i loved.)

That’s it… Lord thank you for giving me another year…thank you for all the blessings in my life…

             Last night I went to Arlington Araneta Ave. to the burial of my cousin’s grand mother. While travelling along the mandaluyong, I still remember the pain that’s continually tormenting my soul…I try to recall the scenarios that had just happened, few hours ago… I am standing in front of my office building which is Prestige Tower.. i am waiting for someone.. while waiting my mind begins to exaggerate and think of something…Finally after waiting for almost 1 hour  here comes my knight and shining armour…Suddenly i wasn’t in the mood… I feel tired and exhausted…maybe because of our long office hours… I control my temper even though i think im gonna blow it up…

             Then I lose my temper..again i can’t control my stubbornness.. I said a lot of words that I didn’t mean to… After few minutes we arrived at SM megamall then…He Left me…for the first time in the history…someone had left me…Anger begins to embrace  my soul…finally!!! at last!!! those are the words that kept on murmuring me… Then tears fall again in my eyes… i must calm myself for this time… because i have to go to the funeral… and time is running so fast…

            After travelling for almost 1 hour, at last i found that place…then some kinda family reunion! then after chikas..to my nanay, titas, cousins etc… Oh my..its already 11:00 pm and people were already living… i have no choice… but to ask permission to leave… I don’t know why Im so afraid during that night…maybe because im alone…and no one will protect me…if ever there will be an accident on my way home… Sigh*** he left me all alone in here!!! i continually utter to my self…why???? why???? He’s the only strength that i have…"Love me when I least deserve it,
because that’s when I really need it."

"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable."

             As I read my text messages from Joan and Kuya Jeff .. my favorite cousins…"Te Leysel, wala na c mama…"; "Leys wala na c mama"…Tears begin to fall in my eyes…I’ve realized how much pain it will cause them…and suddenly…my body begins to tremble when I remember my dream last night… –> I was in the hospital, and my grandmother Lola Seneng…is lying in front of me,,she’s sick and she’s suffering from cancer…I can’t take it anymore…as if my heart was tormented and i need for something… My grandma, died in my dream, and as i woke up, i cant explain my feelings…and for that day…i feel paranoid…as if there will something that will happened to my family… I’ve texted my mom, and Im glad to know that they are fine and Lola’s health is Ok..sigh** thank God it’s just a dream….thank God…i was saying to myself…
            Then after 2 days…which is today…my cousins grandmother died…isn’t it Ironic??? I can’t explain..why are those things happening to me…im not questioning the death of certain people…but the mere fact of having haluccinations…is not good at all… besides im not believing for that signs,,,or what ever…it’s just a mere coincidence… as i always bear in my mind…I still remember the saddest dream of my life…im afraid to dream of my falling teeth…in front of my mirror…because everytime i dreamed of it…there’s always… certain things that i cant explain will happen… Same when my father died last year… I don’t want to experience it again…the pain of losing someone,…the hatred…the questions… I was terrified…how horrible isn’t is??

                 But God is so good…He planned it accordingly…so that no one will suffer again… I was thinking…people once again existed…to experience the beauty of life…and when they gained that experience… They are ready to face death because their mission were finished and they did it excellently…

                 For me Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from
happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people
from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, love is
stronger than death…

 "Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored
with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry
whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life
feeds back truth to people in its own way and time. Forgiveness does not change
the past, but it does enlarge the future."

      
      At first I don’t know my existence, until you came
and mold my life into something, that has it’s own significance and
value. After I have read her message my heart felt that enormous feeling…feelings
of happiness and contentment for what I did yesterday. Yesterday for me is one
of the best action that I have made in my life…know why?? Because I acted like
a factual human being who felt the agony of love and forgiveness…. that I think
will complete myself. After my terrible dream last week… I think of something
that will find the answers to my questions.

I found
myself in the mode of searching for all the possible scenarios and for
searching deeper within my heart… thank God I found it… I thought that I will
not be able to find it again…because I already engrave that memory to the place
were it belong…I still remember the bitterness of my soul when my father left
me…. when he promised to be there always…. but I know that everything happens for
a reason because God has its own plan in my life… again after struggling for
life’s challenges, heart aches, family problems, personal dilemma etc… here
comes the glory… here comes the LOVE of our father…our true father who gives us
all that he can, to prove how important we are…

Now
I know that God has only three answers to our prayer…1.) Yes, 2.) No and 3.)
Please have patience. After having faith to our Lord I can say that even if his
answer is always no. 3….I can say that it ‘s worth waiting for… Finally God
already answered my prayer…an hour ago…I didn’t expect it all….all I know is
I’m a new person again…who already find her true love, happiness,
contentment and completeness…because she already knows how to forgive and how
to forget the things that made her bitter for the last few years of her
life.. Time will heal everything…everything ….

                            Uhm…today is october 13, 2005 12 days to go before my birthday…And look…i don’t know why i don’t have  determination to lose weight…sigh*** im still chubby…and sometimes though i am not been criticized by other people…i feel that something must be changed… Yah it’s true that it’s not always the physical appearance, that’s matter to other people…but it is something that you should be proud of… and as of the moment…my goal is not yet clear…i don’t have enough determination in pursuing my DIET plan..although I’ve already started…hahahhaa what’s the matter with me…I don’t know why i don’t have enough determination..may be because i feel that I am accepted for who I am…that no matter how do i look…there’s still a person who can love me and will accept me the way i am…uhm… maybe that’s my problem.. herherhererher.. well i know i can do it… maybe at the right time when he already left me because of my over weight obesity… hehehehe.. if…. that will happen…. >:P

                I don’t know why I’m feeling this way…I can’t
concentrate. As a matter of fact it started last evening…I’m so tired and
helpless…I feel so sick and irritated…I don’t know why… I feel so stubborn…and
wicked…maybe because I don’t have enough time to talk to God…it’s been three
weeks since may last visit to church and I feel so bad…I felt this guilt that
causes my attitude to change into something that’s not unbearable. I’m always
moody and untoward …I don’t know I can’t explain it…all I know is I’m so tired
and my body is giving up to different life’s situation…For almost two days my
head is trembling with severe migraine, and my muscle begins to crumpled all
over my shoulder and also on my back. Maybe it is one of the reason, why I’m so
ill headed and easily irritated when it comes to my work and some people that’s
surrounds me. Well I guess I’m stressed and sluggish for the past
weeks…sometimes I don’t understand myself…God gave me a good job because that’s
my desire and that’s what I want…when God answered my prayer.. Here I am still
asking for some rest and still hoping for a good vacation…what a heck…If God
don’t answers my prayer I get frustrated and depressed, but when God answered
my prayer still…I have complaints…Why do we people don’t have their own
satisfaction…why do we always ask for more, and when God give it to us. Still
were pleading for more… what a selfish human being I am??? I always asked
myself…People never gets tired of asking…as if their doing their part…Sometimes
I asked myself…why your always like that…you don’t have satisfaction in your
life… Speaking of satisfaction last night I had a terrible dream…again. I can’t
understand it…but one thing is for sure…Again it is a reminder for me… a
reminder from God…

In my
dream last night I was in the dark room, and there was a voice somewhere…but I
can hardly see the image as I walked in the room, I slowly recognized the voice
of my father…(my father passed away feb. 24, 2003) he was singing a song by
Frank Sinatra (who also passed away) the song goes like this…And now, the end
is near, And so I face the final curtain. My friend, I’ll say it clear, I’ll
state my case, of which I’m certain. Gently I can’t breath knowing that the
voice is from my father, after the first paragraph, I went to the top of the building
and from that, I see myself in a suicidal state… as I open my eyes, I already
dead and I can clearly see my body as it was bounded by people who looks shock
in what had just happened. I clearly noticed how my soul left

my body… Coldness embraces my
body and blood begins to pour in the pavement… after the incident the songs
kept on playing and before I woke up my father’s hand gripped my hand…and…then
my alarm clock rang… I thought I’m already dead, thank God it was just a
dream…what if it wasn’t a dream…am I ready?? Those were the things that keeps
on reminding me…Thank God it was just a dream, at least I still have time to
change my character and I still have time to tell to other people that they are
important in my life… Thank God I still have chance to share the gospel to
other people whose life is a mess and who needs salvation.

Those
reminder is a sign that God still loves me… that he doesn’t allow his children
to become imprison of their own self, of their own wickedness, of their own
selfishness, and for their own evilness. That God wants his children to become
a good role model for others, not only in words but more importantly in action…
To become a warrior of evil and a hero of the poor children along the streets…
I hope I still have the abundance of my life to spent not by means of earthy
living but a person who lives her life with Jesus who gave his life for the
sinners like us.

I hope there’s still time….–à>>
to change….to change….to change….

"Happiness lies for those who
cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried
for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched
their lives."

         Last October 2, 2005 Sunday me and my barkada went to Enchanted Kingdom, for us to relax and to forgot the boredom of the city. I was so happy because we still have time to renew our friendship even though we already have our  special someone in our hearts. But the point is we still have time for our barkada bonding… At 9:00 am we set our schedule to landmark where in we could take the shuttle to EK,  luckily Sally’s boy friend had its own car and jaraannn..were so excited to the extent that we forgot that we have our own bf’s na. hahaha. 10 am we arrived at EK and we enjoyed all the rides…yipeee…I was so happy that day…as if..it was the only time that i can relax, enjoy the company of my friends, laugh with them, play with them and most importantly we have a good time to know their special someone…speciall Sally…isn’t it great!! Our EK bonding is one of the most amazing bonding for me…we enjoyed the whole event and hope we can do it all over again..

     I miss you all guys. Kat, Kim, Sally, Kristian, Daddy Ko, thanks for the wonderful bonding last sunday…i really had a great time with you guys…miss yah! umwah!.