September has already ended, and
it seems to me that every day is just a glimpse of my eyes…Clocks tickle so
fast that sometimes I can’t remember what had just happened to me for the last
few days. I’m sorry if I don’t have a luxury of time to write here …maybe
because I’m still traumatized to my environment. I don’t have enough time to
spend with my family, and I miss them so much, I hate this feeling…especially
when my mom gets mad at me…may be she misses me…After staying here in manila
for almost 5 years…to tell you honestly I still miss my home…my own home, where
in I could enjoy the company of my relatives, cousins, my dear grandmother, my
aunties, and most importantly my mom. I miss them all especially the moments
that were together…

sigh*** I miss them so much but
I don’t have a choice… I wish I could have a choice…so that when I miss them, I
should go home and enjoy the moments that were together…but Philippines is so
unfortunate to have a good economic standing…and Filipina like me doesn’t have
a choice but to work 6 days a week, just to earn for a living.. Take note its
not just for your own self allowance, not even to sustain your families needs…
I wish we have a good economic standing so that families will enjoy their time,
without worrying for financial stability.

Sigh*** my mom always told me
that If I will strive harder for my dreams then nothing is impossible…but how
can I do that…if the government itself don’t recognize the importance of
financial stabilities of this country…that government should prioritized every
working individual whose giving the best that they can for their country… What
else does the can government offer…. With holding tax that’s too much to deduct
from the working individual…if your earning above minimum they will deduct more
than 2000 for your with holding tax…is that a reasonable amount…??? is that
they call help??? What else can they offer??? How much does a normal worker
could get, out of his net salary???…is it enough to buy the families food…clothing…shelter..education…emergency
situations??? How come their doing such things…

I wish I could do something…but
that’s one of the benefits that the government will take from you…If Filipino
have a choice…if only….we have a choice…

——————-2nd Year Anniversary–>> September 21, 2005——————————-

I thought we can’t make it…Thank God were the
SURVIVOR!!! Yeah! were the survivor, were gona make it….keep on surviving!! yeah!!

Love you so Much Daddy Kew!! Wag mo na ko away ha???!!! This is one of the happiest moments
in my Life… Sabi nga I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else….

To all of you guys whose reading my blog…im sorry my life is some kinda "Magulo" pero i know
nag eenjoy naman kayo sa pagbasa… = ) ayt?

Setyembre 15, 2005 (7:30 ng gabi)
            Kasabay
ng malakas na pagbuhos ng ulan ay ganon din naman ang aking panlulumo at
panlalamig ng araw na yon. 6:00 na ng gabi natapos nanaman ang aking araw,
pakiramdam ko ba’y pagod na pagod ako sa buong maghapon marahil na din sa
kakulangan sa pahinga nitong mga nagdaang araw. Unti unti ko ng natatanggap ang
mga pangyayari sa min, ng bandang 3:00 ng hapon ay medyo gumagaan na ang aking
pakiramdam, maliban sa kumakalam ang aking sikmura dahil sa hindi pa ako
nagtatanghalian…Inaya ko ang isa sa pinaka malapit na tao sa akin sa opisina,
na samahan akong magmeryenda sa Jolibee, ayon kwentuhan at tawanan kahit ilang
minuto lang ay naibsan ang aking kalungkutan. Pagbalik sa opisina ay lalong
nanuot ang lamig sa aking katawan na dulot ng aircon…Nilibang ko na lamang ang
aking sarili sa aking mga ginagawa at hindi ko na namalayan ang mabilis na
paglipas ng oras…ilang sandali pa ay nagyaya ng umuwi ang aking mga kasama,
sabay sabay kaming nag taxi papuntang megamall, dun na rin ako sumakay pauwi.
Habang nakasakay ako sa fx ay naalala ko kung paano tatapusin ang lahat, kung
paano ko ibubuhos ang aking nararamdaman ng isang beses lang, at naisipan kong
bumili ng Red Horse at kalahating kahang sigarilyo…Bagamat ako’y hindi sanay uminom
at mag yosi wala kong magawa dahil ang tanging karamay ko lamang ng mga
sandaling iyon ay bote at usok…upang pansamantalang makalimot sa realidad ng
buhay.

            7:30 ng gabi nasa apartment na ko
at doon ay nagsimulang bulabugin ako ng aking nararamdaman…naubos ko na ang
isang bote pero wala pa rin, naiinip ako sa epekto ng alak sa aking katawan at
isipan…Gusto ko ng isiwalat ang lahat ng aking hinaing, ilang minuto pa ay
nararamdaman ko na ang unti unting pagkahilo at pamaya maya pa ay naramdaman ko
na ang paglibisbis ng aking mga luha…wala akong magagawa kung hindi hayaan ang
aking sarili na malunod sa king emotion…Nailabas ko lahat ang aking hinaing, at
gumaan naman ang aking pakiramdam. Ilang minuto pa ay may narinig akong
kumakatok sa aking pintuan, pagbukas ko ay hindi ko inaasahan ang aking
makikita…wala akong naging reaction kung hindi ang sumbatan at
palayasin…ang lalaking nakatambad sa aking pintuan…

               Subalit wala akong lakas mabilis akong napagod at wala na kong
namalayan..sa king paggising ay may nakita akong sulat…halos tumalon ang aking
puso sa king nabasa…naroroon lahat ang aking mga katanungan…at nagpapasalamat
ako dahil ipinaliwanag niya ang lahat sa maayos na paraan…ilang minuto pa ay
may kumatok ulit..ganap na 6:30 ng umaga laking gulat ko ng halos maiyak sa
pinto ang taong pinakamamahal ko….sa wakas pinakita din niya na importante ako
sa kanya at kahit ano mangyari makakayanan pa namin ang mga pagsubok na
darating…Maligaya kaming nagyakapan at nagpatawaran sa isa’t isa kasabay nitoy
kalakip na pagbabago sa kung ano man ang mga bagay na hindi naming mapag
kasunduan… Ngayon…alam namin na ang lahat ay bahagi lamang ng pagmamahalan ng
dalawang tao…nasa sa aming mga kamay kung paano haharap sa bawat unos ng
relasyon…

—-sa bandang huli PAG-IBIG pa rin ang mananaig sa aming mga buhay….

Akala ko magiging madali ang lahat…Ano ba yan 6:30 na
ng umaga hindi pa rin ako nakakatayo sa aking higaan, tinatamad ako, nanunuot
ang lamig sa aking buong kabahayan, ng Makita kong quarter to 7:00 na wala na
kong choice kung hindi bumangon at mag-isip ng kakainin kahit hindi naman ako
nagugutom, nagtimpla ako ng kape at nagpalaman ng 1 pandesal, muli naramdaman
ko nanaman ang pangungulila at kahubdan ng aking katauhan.. Matapos kumain ay
inihanda ko na ang aking sarili sa pagharap nanaman sa bagong takbuhin ng
buhay…Mabilis akong naligo at nagbihis ni hindi ko namalayan ang aking ginagawa
sapagkat ang aking isipan ay punong puno ng mga imahinasyon na pawang walang
katotohanan.

Tama na, tama na yan palagi ang mga katagang pilit kong
sinasabi sa king sarili, wala ng magagawa ang mga luha ko, tama ng minsan ay
nalaman ko kung gaano kasakit ang magmahal. Panahon na para mag-move on let go
of my pass and think of the future. Marami akong signs na hiningi pero halos
lahat yon nakita ko, siguro nga may mga bagay na kahit anong gawin mo, hindi pa
rin magiging sayo.

Marami pang bagay na dapat pagtuunan ng pansin hindi
lamang ang makasariling hangarin sa larangan ng pagmamahal kung hindi pati na
rin sa mga taong nakapaligid sa yo.
Nandyan naman ang iyong pamilya, kapatid, at mga kaibigan na nagmamahal ng
lubusan kung sino ka.

Alam ko marami rin akong pagkukulang sa kanya, sa ngayon
ipagpaumanhin mo na hindi ako naging karapat dapat sa yo___> wag mo sanang
isipin na hindi kita minahal, dahil hanggang sa mga sandaling ito, ikaw pa rin
ang lalaking minamahal ko at marahil mamahalin pa sa darating pang panahon.
Kung nagiging kumplikado na para sa tin ang mga bagay bagay at nawawala na ang
“pagmamahal” wala ng dahilan para ipagpatuloy pa kung ano man ang ating nasimulan.
Sana maging maligaya ka na, ngayong wala na ko sa yo.. Wala man lang akong
narinig kahit isang salita na nagbuhat sa kanya, marahil totoo ang lahat na
nanlalamig na talaga siya sa kin at malamang may dahilan….Kung ano man ang
dahilan mo, sa palagay ko nakuha ko naman ng maayos ang lohika na ibig mong
iparating…. Hinihintay mo na lang siguro na sa kin magmula ang lahat dahil ayaw
mong sayo manggaling, ngayon binigay ko na ang yong hinihiling..Wala ka ng
masasabi sa kin.

Ano pa kaya ang naghihintay sa aking buhay….

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nangyari sa min toh…ni hindi ko inaakala  na  sa ganong paraan kami maghihiwalay..Halos tupukin ako ng nararamdaman ko, meron akong kakaibang pakiramdam nung araw na yon..Sa aming pagkikita pa lamang ng mga sandaling iyon…ay nababatid kong may masama ng mangyayari..nanlalamig ang aking katawan sa hindi maipaliwanag na dahilan..

ika- 8:00 ng gabi ay dumating  kami sa aking apartment, at wala kong ganang kumain…kinakausap ko siya sublait parang wala siyang nakikita, nagmumukha na kong tanga, pero pinipilit ko pa ring intindihin dahil ayaw kong dumating sa oras na pagsisihan ko kung ano man ang gagawin ko. Dumating na ang oras na kinatatakutan ko, sa loob ng 2 taon, ngayon lang ako nabantad, ibang iba na pala ang taong minahal ko noon, hindi na siya ang dating kakilala ko na marunong magpatawa sa kin, marunong maglambing, marunong magpagaan ng loob, marunong makisama, at alam kung paano ako susuyuin…mabilis na lumipas ang maraming buwan na hindi ko namamalayan kung sino na ba talaga ko, ako pa rin ba ang dating ako…sa palagay ko…malaking HINDI na.

Hindi na ko ung katulad ng dati na masayahin, marunong mag-isa, nagagawa ang gusto niya, maraming nagbago hindi lang marahil sa kin kung hindi pati na rin sa taong mahal ko. 9:00 ng gabi bumigay na ko, hindi ko na kaya ang ganong klaseng relasyon, alam ko naman na nagsasawa na siya sa kin, kaya nanlalamig na siya, kaya wala na siyang gana na Makita ako..Hindi ko naman pinipilit ang sarili ko sa kanya, ang sa kin lang sana lang kung ayaw na niya wag na lang naming ituloy para wala ng nasasaktan..

Hindi naman niya marerealized na importante ako sa kanya hangga’t hindi ako nawawala. OO masakit sobra ng sakit pero sa ikakaganda ng relasyon namin gagawin ko dahil un lang ang tanging paraan para maibalik naming kung ano kami sa aming mga sarili. Lubhang malupit ang panahon dahil hinahayaan niya na mangyari sa min toh..Marupok ako hindi ko nakayanan ang ganon, pero alam ko na kahit masakit makakayanan ko, marahil hindi pa talaga panahon para sa aming dalawa.

Nasusukol na kaming dalawa sa aming mga sarili may mga bagay pa na gustong gawin na hindi magawa, dahil may taong maaapektuhan.

Kalunos-lunos na senaryo ang naganap ng gabing iyon, pati siya ay bumitiw na din, at akoy tuluyan ng nilisan…Oo ako’y may pagkukulang pero ang mahalin ka ng lubusan ay sapat na upang mapatunayan ko kung gaano ako naging matapat sa loob ng mga nagdaang panahon.

Sa ngayon ay hayaan mo muna akong mapag-isa kailangan kong makahinga…Naniniwala ako na may mga bagay talaga na hindi para sa yo…

Panginoon ituro mo po sa kin kung paano, mabuhay..ng wala siya sa buhay ko, alam kong batid mo ang laman ng aming mga saloobin at ikaw ang higit na nakaka-alam kung anong tama sa aming mga buhay…Nawa’y sa aking pagbangon ay mabanaagan ko ang araw na nagtataglay ng bagong buhay at pag-asa upang mapawi na ang matinding trahedya na dulot ng nakaraang unos sa king buhay….

WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW

I complainWhen nothing's even wrongAnd you're ashamedCause you're not quite that strong

That's when I said I'll needMore than you can offer meI miss your face as you can tellI hope my absence makes you well

Cause what I didn't knowIs I was killing youI said a lot of things that I didn't mean to

But I am older nowAnd I am sorry tooSo I can wait awhileIf it brings me back to you

I am shyI never speak a wordAnd you are numbFrom all the things you never heard

That's when I said I'll needMore than you can offer meBut now I own an empty spaceAnd I can't fill it with your face

Cause what I didn't know Is I was killing youI said a lot of things that I didn't mean toBut I am older nowAnd I believe in youSo I can wait awhileIf it brings me back to you

"Have
you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens
your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside
you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit
of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different
from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a
piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like
kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes
hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the
darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into
a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the
imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real
gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

Lately
I don’t understand my self…why Im feeling this…I felt a strange feeling…my soul
was deeply wounded and I cannot recover from severe anomaly of sickness.. Im
sick and tired of being just your “GIRL” not your woman, know the difference of
the two?… You think that im just a girl who cannot survive to live in this
world…what do you think of me…? Come on answer me…? Why can’t you explain the
things that I cant understand base from your own principle?? You always answer
me with ‘SILENCE” and I want to shout and knock you down…im not stupid…please
don’t treat me like a child…a child don’t know how to react from different life’s
situation…For almost 2 years of having you in my life things are not the same
as they use to be. Maybe they were all right…that the constant thing in this
world is “Change”…people change and you transformed so quickly that I cant cope
up…

Well
tell me something… at first I thought that Love is so beautiful, to the extent
that… It can transform me to the woman you desire…but that is just a mere
imagination … Im always asking my self… why do I need to experience the
bitterness of LOVE… I had given everything… I tried to please you… I forget my
luxury… once I even give up my family just to be with you… but why… are you so
blind to see how much sacrifices I had given to you??… Come on talk to me…im
not stupid….don’t answer me with your “SILENCE” im so tired of understanding
your bitterness… I cant see the importance of my existence in your own world… I
am nothing…nothing… STOP pretending… if you don’t love me … then be it… I would
be happy if you will let me go… If you will give me, my opportunity to discover
the mystery of my life ALONE… Im not afraid to loose you…

Before you came into my life…as I can
remember… I am a person who knows, how
to take care of her self… a person whose always happy with her friends… a
person who knows how to fight in every life’s circumstances… a person who can
lift other’s people lives…a person whose independent… But that was a long time
ago… because of your selfishness… my life turned into mess… I can’t move on… I cant make a simple decision because
im too dependent in you… why things change easily…

I
hope it’s not yet late…Please do me a favor… I want to live, I want to know the
things by my self… so please let me go.. Help me find the way… Love is so
awful… Love is so tremendous…I cant go on…

Sigh**

I’m always asking myself.."why i can’t feel the true happiness??" is there something that bothes me?? i dont know…all i know is im deeply wounded…. I loved him so much… but i think that— loving a person is not the only reason for the two of you to become happy… There are always things to be considered… maybe because of our many differences not only in our attitudes but the way we see things… For almost 2 years of loving him…nothing’s has changed… im still the girl who deeply in love with him… (so please don’t do this to me….) im just pretending that things will gonna be fine… eventhough im so afraid to lose him… Bakit kaya kailangan ko pang pagdaanan ung ganito sabi ko sa Mom ko… but my mom always told me….kaya mo yan…. lahat ng tao nagdadaan sa ganyan… hay minsan tuloy mas mabuti pang maging baby ka na lang na ang tanging pakialam mo lang sa mundo ay umiyak at tumawa… sa tuwing magugutom ka at lalaruin ka ng nanay mo…

sigh**

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; Love is a growing up."

Ley *

Sigh** the day has already ended and i don’t know if i accomplished something from these j2EE chuva, jms, maven, activemq, jndi, logic blaze, mergere etc. i think im not gonna make it….it’s so hard to understand those technology platforms in java…but i wish i have an option…sigh** but work is quite different compare when your studying your notes for final exams, quizzes, recitation, etc.. I wish could turn back my time, so that i could enjoy my time, and have a good times with my friends and peers sigh!** nakakapagod un ang totoo don, akala nila madali lang magtrabaho ang hindi nila alam kailangan mo pa ring magsimula sa umpisa.

Being matured is so stressful, sometimes i feel like quiting… i wish that i am still a little child where in when i felt something strange my mom always hug me and give me the best comfort in the whole world… Sigh**** I really miss my room when i was still in province….I miss when i have someone to talk…after the long day… Sigh*** its so hard to live especially when your alone and nobody wants to listen in your stories…

I miss my Home…I miss my family…and i miss being a teenager!

Lord help me overcome these difficulties…..I am entrusting my life to you….

"God,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage
to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

The
best day of my life is the one on which I decide in my  life. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The
gift is mine - it is an amazing journey - and I alone are
responsible for the quality of it. This is the day of my  life
begins.

God grants me all the challenges and circumstansces in my past life and I know that there’s something in it that I can’t change. For the past 20 years of my life I realized the different faces of life, whether it is good or bad it helps me to become a better individual not only for myself but more importantly to my parents. Even though im just a beginner in my field of expertise I know that my parents were so proud of me, not to think that im the best, but to the fact that this little girl who used to be their baby has grown up so fast that they can’t see that image anymore.

There is always an advantage and disadvantage of growing old…………..>

1.) You have to take care of yourself to the best that you can else someone has to take it from you.

10.) You must always know the importance of having a good relationship to our God which will help you to live in the different steps above.

I think being matured enough will take your whole life, to be able to prove that you already passed to our life’s challenges.

"Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

"One day at a time—->>>>>>>>>>

this is
enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and
do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in
the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering".

@>–Ley–<@